Lets Get Personal
“If they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personal”
You know that feeling you get when someone tells you something that you don’t want to hear? That angry, uncomfortable feeling that leads to defensiveness and denial, because deep down you know that it might be true but you aren’t ready to admit it to yourself? Well, that angry and uncomfortable feeling is what I experienced the first few (hundred) times after someone would tell me that I “take things too personally”.
For years, I pretended that I didn’t take things personally and I would feel the need to defend myself every time someone would mention it. I have always been a pretty sensitive person, which has worked in my favor for most of my life. Growing up as a female, it felt safe to express my feelings and expose my “sensitive side”- it felt acceptable. However, when I entered the professional world my feelings on this changed. This was due to a mix of working for an egotistical male boss in an extremely competitive environment as a well as the pressures and expectations I placed on myself. On frequent occasions, my boss would put blame on me and ask “what I could have missed or what I did wrong” instead of supporting me with difficult cases. He also would make comments related to my character, saying things like “Dana is tough she never gets upset, she’s an athlete”. Due to these comments and other insecurities, I came to believe assertiveness, confidence (truthful or otherwise), and toughness were necessary for survival as a young female therapist with little experience in the field. I soon equated sensitivity with weakness, immaturity, defeat and most importantly with being a “bad therapist”. Even though deep down I knew that I had insecurities, I wasn’t ready to address them. If I did address these insecurities, it would make them “real”, and worse than knowing the “truth” myself, I didn’t want others learning the truth about me. I wasn’t ready to deal with that reality! So I continued to do my job the way I thought it “should be done”, while living in denial about my own insecurities.
After my first long-term client with an extended period of clean time relapsed with drugs and alcohol, I recognized that I did in fact take things “too” personally. I was constantly asking myself, “what did I miss?” or “why didn’t he trust me?” These questions kept me up at night. I questioned my own abilities and passion for helping people and I ultimately felt defeated. My mood and attitude slowly became consumed by my thoughts, which was extremely unhealthy. Not surprisingly, it has always been difficult for me, a therapist (and self proclaimed emotions queen-not to be dramatic!) to avoid my emotions for too long, so I knew that I needed to address this. “Why am I taking this so personally?”
Like anything that I care to better understand, I turned to my good friend; Google. I searched: “Why do people take things so personally?” I scrolled through variations of the same article on “how to” stop taking things personally. It wasn’t until after reading the third or fourth article that I recognized a larger problem at hand. All of the articles presented were “how to” articles. “How to” not take things so personally, “how to” let go, “how to” care less about what other people think of you etc. I thought to myself, “HOW can I stop taking things so personally without understanding WHY I do it in the first place? HOW can I stop taking things less personally without knowing WHAT I even need to work on?” Generally, humans tend to rush to fix things without knowing what to fix. If we don’t know what we are trying to fix, we miss the point! We neglect critical information that is useful in helping us address the root of our problem.
After some serious reflection I was able to figure out what I needed to work on. I learned that I was projecting my insecurities onto others and allowing them to project their insecurities onto me. I learned that being young and sensitive DOES NOT make me a poor therapist and recognized that my insecurities were not a reflection of my own abilities. Once I realized the information above, I started to see real change by confronting my fear of being judged or blamed (by both myself and others) and started showcasing my sensitive side. I also took solace in recognizing that I am young and don’t know it all (or need to) and never will. These changes have truly allowed me to be a more authentic and genuine clinician (and human being). As well, they have allowed me to understand that not everything that happens to me is about me and therefore it’s unhelpful to take things so personally.
“Try not to take things personally, what people say about you is a reflection of them, not you”
