From Fear to Free
“People always see me as one thing, a fitness guy, I want them to see me as more, I want them to see that I am a human too”- Patrick Bryan
In a world where we learn to judge almost everything, we fear being judged by others the most. Over the last year, I’ve been on a mission to better understand the fear of judgment. I want to break the barriers around this powerful (and debilitating, anxiety provoking, self-esteem crushing) fear and bring light to its universality, especially within men.
Why am I on such a mission, you ask? Through both my professional work and my personal life, I have recognized that we all have feared (or currently fear) being judged by others. Due to this fear, we are unwilling to expose ourselves and potentially be perceived in an undesirable light (this is vulnerability my friends). To combat this fear, we keep our emotions internalized, we judge others and we suffer- all to protect our ego (which is extremely damaging). Ironically, my own judgment of another person inspired me to delve a little deeper in my mission and start asking questions.
Below is a brief excerpt of my interview with Patrick Bryan:
Dana: “If you were going through a tough time or you woke up feeling sad, who would you go to, to talk things through?”
Patrick: “No one really. I just kept it to myself, I bottled everything up.”
Dana: Did your friends know what you were going through at that time, or know how you were feeling at all?”
Patrick: “No. I could never tell my friends that, I didn’t want them to judge me, I didn’t want to look weak. My dad has always been a tough guy and that is what I thought I needed to be growing up. That has all changed though, now I am an open book.”
The first time I met Patrick Bryan (who I call “Coach Patrick”) was in the waiting room at Orange Theory Fitness (located in Center City). At the time, I was relatively new to Orange Theory and I was still getting to know the coaches and their teaching styles. When Coach Patrick came out to explain the “workout of the day”, I noticed the following: 1. His built figure 2. The tattoos that covered his arm 3. His confident tone 4. The charisma of his personality and 5. The way he related to his students. My observations drew me to a quick judgment: “this guy seems like he loves his life…he must be really into himself”. I remember hearing him spew out some motivational talk during class and to be honest, the therapist in me was feeling somewhat skeptical of his authenticity.
A few months later, I started following patbryanfitness (Coach Patrick’s IG Handle) on social media and I was not shocked to find out that he was “one of those” cross fit, weight lifting, body building guys (who fill the discover page on my Instagram feed). Even though I generally don’t follow “those” fitness buffs for long, I was pleasantly surprised to come across one of Patrick’s posts where he discussed some of his experiences with anxiety and mental health difficulties. Actually, it totally blew my mind, as this is not something I typically see on social media (let alone from men, especially not from “one of those guys”). I knew in that moment that despite my previous judgments of Coach Patrick, I greatly respected him and needed to speak with him! A few weeks later, I awkwardly approached Patrick before class and asked him if he would be willing to meet with me to talk more about his mental health journey (to which he accepted the offer instantly!).
“Ask me anything, I’m an open book”.
During our discussion, Patrick admitted that he was not always so open to speaking about his struggle with anxiety, which stemmed back to his physical appearance in high school (he had struggled with acne). Patrick also shared that prior to experiencing two persons who were close to him die by suicide, no one in his close circle discussed uncomfortable feelings or struggles they were going through. Patrick said the following in relation to his friend: “No one had a clue that he was depressed, no one saw it coming, it hit us really hard. From then on we promised each other that we would reach out if something was up”. Patrick stated that despite excelling in sports and appearing ok on the outside, he was extremely insecure, self conscious and angry on the inside. “My dad has always been a tough guy and that is what I thought I needed to be growing up”.
Although he was able to distract himself with sports, which became his safe space, he struggled immensely in his home life (unhealthy relationships, physical altercations and even getting kicked out of his home for a period of time.) Patrick shared that his anxiety took over his life, which lead to social isolation and panic.“I would avoid making eye contact with people because I always felt like people were looking at me and I didn’t want to talk to people”.
At one point in college, Patrick’s anxiety led to a break down which he identifies as his “breaking point”. At that point, he was forced to attend therapy and was encouraged to meet with a psychiatrist to discuss the need for medication. Despite the undesirable circumstances, Patrick recognized that although his acne cleared up, his anxiety and insecurities could not be cleared up without addressing them further. Patrick began re focusing on his physical health through exercise (an area of strength and comfort). Patrick identified that despite being a 21-year-old college student, he was ready to give up (or at least significantly decrease) his alcohol use due to its large connection to his anxiety. “I didn’t like how I would feel the next day, I would feel off and wouldn’t want to do anything, it was a nightmare”. Although the choice to cut back on partying may seem obvious, he admitted that it took a toll on his social life. He said, “I lost a lot of friendships due to it. My friends would stop calling me because they knew I wasn’t going to go out and party”.
To this day, Patrick identified that his social life could use improvement and admitted that he is still navigating the Philadelphia social scene (this isn’t as easy as you’d think for a 27-year-old who does not enjoy the party lifestyle.) On the flip side he has been able to excel as a trainer and is working on becoming a nutrition coach. Through training, Patrick learned how to take feedback without getting defensive, practice getting uncomfortable and become more open minded. (Which have been extremely helpful in allowing him to cope with his anxiety). Patrick shared that in becoming truer to himself, he gained confidence and self-esteem, which allowed him to build a healthier relationship with himself and let go of his fear of judgment. He identified that his greatest strength is his self-motivation, which ultimately allowed him to overcome adversity. Patrick shared that he feels proud of himself for all that he has overcome and stated that his past struggles drive him to help both himself and others strive to be the best versions of themselves.
Our conversation outlined above allowed me to remember why I chose the career of a therapist. It reminded me that I love getting to know people: people are resilient, people are impactful and that everyone has a story worth telling. It reminded me that unfortunately not everyone has an outlet to share their story. Unless we engage, listen and encourage communication with one another, we are missing out on the greatest human experience: each other. It reminded me that without questioning our own judgments or at least exploring them a little further, we might miss out on getting to know people who can add so much value in our lives. Lastly, it reminded me that fear of judgment is universal and it does not discriminate. Despite what we may think (or what we want to think), judgment is a real fear…but it is something we can work on and become more comfortable with.
“You are a lot stronger than you think you are. Keep fighting, don’t give up, the feelings always pass”- Patrick Bryan
